People are under the impression based on my posts and my art and writing that I am always the pillar of strength. I'm not. That my life is perfect. It's not. That I get so much done. I don't. For two days I have been battling darkness and have been consumed by the same sadness and negativity that consumes us all once in a while; some more than others. The same voices in my head that we all hear once in a while (or a little too often for some) that try to tell you that you are no good. Not lovable. That the people that love you don't really love you. That you are not worthy. That you are nothing. I equate these voices with the enemy and the Agony Christ endured in the Garden of Gethsemane. That moment we see His humanity. Where even He doubts His ability and asks God to take away the task He knows is before Him. To save Him from it. Even Jesus, our Lord and Savior, had His moments of doubt and weakness. This gives me comfort. If the person I pray to, that moves mountains in my life, that has redeemed me from sin and promised me eternal life, that DIED for ME and MY SINS can have His moments then why cant I? This is what makes me HUMAN, after all. This is the whole point of life as we know it. Fighting daily spiritual battles. Dealing with the enemy in our head that tries to rip our spirits to shreds.
Yes...even people like me that seem so strong, that seem so positive, that pray and have a strong spiritual core can have these moments of weakness. Moments that make us fall to our knees in agony the way Christ did in the Garden. Begging for our sanity back...begging the voices to leave us alone. We do things in these dark moments that we sometimes regret for life. It is in these dark moments that God asks us to seek Him, to call out His name and ask for His deliverance. It took me 48 hours of sheer madness in my head and spirit to call out His name, believe it or not. I was so consumed, so lost in the darkness that I believed the evil one. I became angry and vengeful and spiteful and my thoughts turned to hurting those that had hurt me. Mind you...this 'hurt' was a perceived hurt. It was not fact. This is the damage that listening to those voices in your head can do. You can't see the wood for the trees...you become so lost and confused you literally begin to believe the lies and take them for fact. The evil one plays on your weaknesses. If you have self esteem issues He will tell you that you aren't good enough, if you have self love issues he will tell you you aren't lovable....and so on and so forth...until you are caught in his web of lies and you can't free yourself. The more you try to wriggle free, the more entangled you become, the dimmer your light gets. THIS is what he WANTS. He wants to erode your faith and your trust in the Lord. He wants you to fall down on your knees, not in prayer, but in agony and depression. He wants to debilitate you to the point that you say and do things out of character because of how he makes you feel and ruin your prospects of finding and keeping love, a job, your happiness and your inner peace.
Ever had a moment like this? Sound familiar? This happens to ALL of us. We just don't talk about it. Or we go about our day carrying hate, resentment, depression, and bitterness from those dark moments. And this is how he wins. Because most people don't know how easy it is to break free of it. To free themselves from that tangled web of negativity. I freed myself at about 2am. I got down on my knees, tears streaming down my face, and called out to the Lord (out loud) and begged Him to help me. I begged Him to stop the voices, to shield me, to protect me. I begged Him to give me His Grace and Love and Peace to replace the black hole that had taken over my soul. And it worked. It took a LOT of deep breaths and A LOT of tears. I woke up this morning after a fitful night of sleep (or no sleep at all) but I felt that the battle had been won. I felt lighter. Left behind was a tinge of sadness and residual self pity...but I continued in the morning to send up silent prayers for healing and protection. Amazing how I forget to do this more often. And even more amazing is how God listens and comes through for me EVERY. TIME. No questions asked. There is no "Where have YOU been the last few weeks?", "Why haven't I seen you in Church?", or "You only call on me when you need me". Those are human reactions, wouldn't you say? God is Divine and He loves all His children unconditionally. That is the beauty of it all. He holds no resentment or anger. Like a good parent He is there to catch us when we fall. Every time. No questions asked. All He wants...all He EVER wants is to love us and to hear us call out for Him.
As a parent I can relate. My kids aren't perfect. They make mistakes. They get on my nerves. Heck...they really drive me to drink sometimes. But my love never fades. I will never turn my back on them. No matter what they have done. I CAN'T. I LOVE them TOO MUCH. When they hurt, I hurt. Isn't it a joy to know we have a Father in Heaven that loves us this way? It's not an excuse to misbehave, of course. But it's nice to know He is always there for us, no matter what we do or say. It's nice to know I have a Father with powers to perform miracles. To shield me from all harm. All I have to do is believe and pray.
I'd like to personally thank my God , mi Diosito lindo, my protector and Savior for delivering me from the clutches of darkness last night. I feel more and more like myself as the day rolls on. How will I get through it? I will keep praying. I will keep talking to Him. I will begin my day, everyday, by putting on the armor of His Word. The best offense is the best defense, after all...is it not? Or is it the other way around? I'm not much of a sport fanatic, can you tell? ;)
To all of you who took the time to read this. Thank you. To all of you that know EXACTLY what I'm talking about, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. It is not your imagination. You aren't going crazy. We fight spiritual battles EVERY DAY. We just aren't aware because we give them different names. Let my post serve as a reminder for you all to not forget to put on God's armor every morning. And when you get home safe and sound and you have had a good day don't forget to say THANK YOU. =)
Love Peace and Joy to you all.
P.S. To the person that I hurt with my actions and words I am heartfully sorry. I wasn't myself. I pray that you can forgive me and continue to love me as I love you: with all of my heart.