Saturday, April 27, 2013

Breaking the Silence

The last time I blogged was in January. JANUARY. It's the end of April now. Amazing what can happen in just four short months. SO much has happened. Personal and professional. Mainly personal. My husband and I have been separated since February. We have known each other for about 14 years, married for almost 9. It sounds sad and your instinct may be to say 'I'm so sorry' or something like that. Because divorce, even though it's so commonplace, is still seen as something to avoid like the plague. It's HARD, it's EXPENSIVE, and it's EMOTIONALLY DRAINING. But the one thing this ISN'T for me is SAD. It's been a LONG time coming, actually. You know that gut feeling that you get when you are about to do something you are going to regret? I had that feeling the night before I got married. But I ignored it. Nine years later, here I am. A single mom of THREE KIDS. Battling the idea of going back to work full time, giving up on my dreams so I can support myself and my family without anyone's help. You know what that means. Licensing will end up on the shelf, gathering dust because I will be a working mother and before you know it my evenings will end at 9pm because I am so exhausted from work and picking up kids and homework and dinner and laundry and doing it all on my own. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

I've worked REALLY HARD over the last 7 years to be where I am. I never gave up. Unfortunately what was missing was the love and support of my dreams from my significant other. THIS makes a WORLD of difference. Single ladies: take note! When you start to think he may be the one ask yourself this: Will he support my dreams no matter how crazy and far fetched they may be? Will he help me to achieve the impossible and make me feel I can do anything?? Will he love me no matter what comes? If you land on your face will he tell you to give up or will he pick you up, kiss you, tell you how amazing you are and push you to keep going??? If he would do all of those things he's a KEEPER. If me....better to let go. It may seem like a small thing now. But years down the road when you feel like you have given up everything you love to please him and to keep the peace you will regret it. You will be depressed and you will be left alone in your marriage. This should NEVER happen. Life is hard. Love should ENDURE the hardship. Love is, as Shakespeare so eloquently put it in Sonnet 116, "an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken."

If your marriage doesn't flow (and I'm not saying there won't be tough times), if it feels like you are constantly struggling and swimming upstream...LET GO. See what happens. It's SCARY. It was scary for me. Until I made up my mind to finally listen to my gut and be fearless. Until I FINALLY realized my self worth. Someone very special to me helped to open my eyes and heart and I am forever in his debt for this. For the first time in YEARS I feel as strong as people think I am. I AM strong. And I realize my strengths lie in overcoming and enduring hard ship and difficult situations. I can honestly say that I am HAPPY. Happier than I have been in MANY years. I feel FREE. I feel like myself again. And who else can you be but yourself?? 

So don't feel bad for me. Celebrate with me. I am free, I am following my heart and I am at peace. I have found my joy!! And like the image above states 'What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger'.

Thank you all for being patient and supportive and for not giving up on me.

Here's to a new beginning!! =)